I have 7 children right now. Wow. It doesn't even seem real to me when I say it out loud In case you're unaware of their ages, let me tell you... 6, 5, 5, 3, 2, 1, and 7 weeks. Yeah, I'm pretty busy. I've wanted to blog, but we've been dealing with some things that have prevented me from sharing my feelings publicly. Most times, I feel like I need to show this super joyful stay-at-home foster mom who is homeschooling her children while memorizing Bible verses and spending quality time with all said children, but that is not the case most days. I have had a hard time these past few months. The constant contact with DHS, CASA, and birth parents is really wearing me ragged. If you can even begin to imagine taking care of 7 kids and on top of that having to remember to document everything, have your house always "ready" for an unannounced visit by a caseworker, making sure you don't say anything that could be taken out of context and used to slander you at court, it is enough to drive anyone bananas. I don't like to talk about negatives because I would hate to discourage anyone from becoming a foster parent, but this is real life. Even though it sucks sometimes and I really would just love to go on a vacation from it all, I am trusting that it is worth it. I KNOW these kids are worth it. I wouldn't give them up for anything. Even when they come home from a 5 hour long visit with mom and they misbehave and disrespect me for the rest of the day and most of the next, they are still worth every frustration, tear and sleepless night I lay awake thinking about the "what if's."
I prayed a prayer today and just told Jesus what was up. It went something like this... "My whole being is empty. I feel like I have nothing left of myself to give. I know that you do your best work with the weakest people. Father, I am so weak right now. I am not joyful. I am frustrated, depressed and bitter. I don't want to do this anymore. You know my heart and that this is not my true desire. Please send your Holy Spirit to fill me up and show your love and grace to these children, DHS and everyone involved. Lord, I will know it is from you if you give me love, because I am full of frustration and anger right now."
I hate to even say that sometimes I doubt this wonderful Lord who has blessed me so much, but I didn't know if He would take away my spirit of helplessness today. He did though. I put some Christian music on and had a dance party with my babies and I have truly been full of joy ever since. Spending time on my face in prayer seems like something I should be doing more often. The deeper we get in this journey, the closer we should be getting to God, because that's the point of everything we're doing. It's not to adopt 100 kids or recruit 100 foster parents, but to become more like Jesus and less like me.
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil. 3:14