Welcome to the Roller Coaster, A Story of Grace
Below is my contribution to the book. Thank you for reading and sharing our book!
Amazon link: click HERE.
Amazon link: click HERE.
A
|
s
a mother of three young children, I felt overwhelmed at times, but so
incredibly blessed. Our life was busy and full, but happy and content. Then I
felt God pulling our family towards orphan care. I looked into overseas
adoption, domestic adoption—any option besides foster care. I thought, “I could
never be a foster parent. There is too much risk, too much hurt involved.”
However,
God firmly told me, “It is NOT about you.” So we submitted to His will and
began the process of becoming certified as foster parents. I understood that
God wanted us to sacrifice our comfortable lifestyle for the sake of a child
who had no other options. What I did not realize was how our decision to foster
would impact the other side of the arrangement—the biological parents—and how I
would be affected by that relationship.
The
process that we thought would take 90 days took nine months. My husband lost
his job and we could barely provide for our current family, but God said, “Keep
going.” We trusted in God’s plan, and
eagerly prepared for the time when we would welcome a disadvantaged child into
our home. We never considered that we might also invite the child’s parent to
be a part of that transition. The whole point of foster care is to rescue the
child from the unfit parent, right?
After a
long nine months, we were finally certified and could not wait to get “the
call.” “The call” came quite a few times for different children—five in all. We
said yes to every single one, and each time the child was placed somewhere else
before we could pick them up. Extremely frustrated, we called our caseworker.
She listed about 20 children that we could choose to foster, and shared why
they were in care. It came down to a newborn boy, which was what I had desired
all along, or a ten-month-old little girl. We prayed about it, and God said,
“Take the ten-month-old.” It is amazing to think how such a seemingly small
decision could change our lives so much.
Grace was
nine months old when she sustained a severe burn on her leg that prompted an
investigation by Child Protective Services (CPS). Her mom was ironing on the
floor, and being the curious little girl that she was, she crawled over to the
hot iron while mom was not paying attention. Grace’s mom, Angela, was terrified
that her baby girl was going to be taken away. She had aged out of foster care
herself, and knew how traumatic and scary it was to grow up in the system.
Angela
was on track to break the cycle of foster kids producing another generation of
foster kids, having gone to college and joined the Army, where she served our
country for nine years. She left the Army after suffering from severe
depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. After being discharged from the
Army, she continued to suffer from even more mental disabilities such as
bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. She was homeless many times. She met a man
20 years older than her and began a relationship with him that led to her
pregnancy with Grace at the age of 34.
Angela
had always wanted children and thought that waiting until she was older was a
wise choice. Now she was not so sure. Because of all the medications she was
on, Angela could not sleep at night. She averaged an hour of sleep on a good
night, and was often suicidal, checking herself into the psychiatric ward at
the veteran’s hospital about once a month.
When
Angela received notice of a complaint being filed with Child Protective
Services and that she would be visited by a caseworker, she had a breakdown.
For the safety of her daughter and herself, she needed to check herself into
the hospital immediately. She was frantic and had no one to help her. Her
family was in another state and was struggling with difficult circumstances
themselves. She took the bus to the veteran’s hospital, which just happened to
be next door to a children’s hospital. Outside, she saw a woman she had met a
couple of weeks before. She told her friend how desperate she was and that she
was having suicidal thoughts and needed to check herself into the hospital immediately.
She asked her friend to please look after Grace until she got out, and the
friend agreed. Angela signed a note of written permission for her friend to
watch Grace and left for the hospital.
The next
day, CPS went to Angela’s home to begin the investigation about the burn on
Grace’s leg. When they arrived, no one was home and the landlord had not seen
Angela or Grace, which was unusual. They tracked down Angela in the hospital
and asked her where Grace was, to which she responded, “I don’t know.” Grace
was now a missing child.
Five days
later, the friend who was caring for Grace saw a news story about the little
girl and that she was considered missing. She immediately called 911 and CPS
came to pick up Grace. She was now a ward of the state. Grace was placed in an
emergency foster home, where she stayed with an amazing family until our family
was chosen to be her long-term placement.
My heart
was pounding as my husband and I sat outside the CPS building waiting for
Angela’s visit to be over so we could bring Grace home. I could barely breathe
knowing that we were about to meet our second daughter. We watched as Angela
walked out of the building and got into someone’s car. Knowing nothing about
Angela at this time, we slunk down in our seats, worried that she might see our
car and follow us after we left. How silly and judgmental that seems now.
After
Angela was out of sight, we got out of our car and walked inside. We nervously
followed the caseworker upstairs and down the hall to where Grace was waiting.
As we walked into a bright yellow room, we were met with the biggest grin and
happy shrieks from Grace. I will never forget the moment my eyes met hers. It
was as if I was seeing one of my biological children for the first time. I
truly feel that God had shown her our faces because we were instantly a family.
In our paperwork, the caseworker even wrote that Grace was playing and laughing
with her foster parents immediately. We had no adjustment issues with her and
our biological children were immediately in love with their new sister.
It was
the end of October when Grace came to live with us, and when I heard her story,
it was so familiar to me. After searching the Internet, I realized that I had
read the news story about how she had come into state custody a week before we
were certified as foster parents. When reading the story, I instantly had
compassion for her mother, Angela. I had no idea how God was going to use that
compassion to show His love through me.
The first
time I met Angela was on a visit at the CPS offices. She came in looking very
professional, with her hair done and a beautiful shawl around her shoulders.
She brought shoes and clothes for Grace and two books about Jesus. I was
anxious to reach out to her, and brought as many pictures of Grace as I could
get developed. She was so gracious. After this visit, we communicated every day
for a month by email. I later found out that Angela walked to the library every
day to check her email for the pictures that I would send of Grace.
As Christmas
approached, I hoped we could get together with Angela to celebrate. I had not
heard from her in about a week, which was very unusual, so I checked with our
caseworker to see if she had talked with her. She had not, but made some calls
and discovered that Angela was back in the psychiatric ward at the hospital.
Angela would be spending Christmas there. My heart was broken for her. Without
a second thought, I told her that I would be there to visit her on Christmas
Day.
At this
point in our foster care journey, we had a total of six children. Three of them
were biological, one was Grace, and the last two were a sibling set that we had
unexpectedly taken in two weeks before. I was a very busy mama. Going to the
psychiatric ward on Christmas Day was not something that I would have ever
imagined myself doing. I asked my mom to go with me, and we wrapped presents
and took pictures of Grace for Angela. I had no idea what I was going to do or
say.
When we
got up to the psych ward, it was so quiet. We could not find anyone who worked
there and we had no idea how to get past the two sets of locked doors that led
to the patient area. We considered leaving, but I knew that the Lord did not
bring me there on Christmas day to leave without seeing Angela. Finally a nurse
came out and went through all of our presents to make sure they were safe to
bring in. A picture frame was not allowed because of the glass in it and a
thick ribbon tied around a throw blanket had to be thrown away. I had never
even considered that some of these items could be potential weapons or a means
to end her life. We were finally cleared to enter the ward, and I nervously
prayed for the Holy Spirit to take over.
We walked
into the common area and I looked around for Angela. When I saw her, I barely
recognized her. She had on hospital garments and her hair was pulled back in a
do-rag. Her eyes were filled with sadness as I embraced her and wished her a
merry Christmas. We sat down at a table and gave her the gifts and pictures of
Grace we had brought. After she went through them, I updated her on how Grace
was doing. I told Angela how much we loved Grace and that she was such a happy
little girl. Angela was trying so hard to hold back her tears, and she was so
grateful that we had come to visit her. She had never had visitors before.
The
nurses and some of the other patients came up and told us how sad Angela always
was and how happy they were that we came to visit and “love on her.” After we
had been there only 30 minutes, it was announced that visiting hours would be
over shortly and we needed to wrap things up. I asked Angela if I could pray
with her and she graciously accepted. I cannot remember what I prayed, but the
words that came out of my mouth were not from me. They were from the Holy
Spirit, loving and comforting this deeply hurting woman through me while I held
her hands and bowed my head with her. The
Lord is close to the
brokenhearted; he rescues those
whose spirits are crushed. Psalm
34:18
After
Angela was released, we met at the zoo and celebrated Christmas and Grace’s
birthday. I was able to get some great pictures of them together. She began
attending church with me once a month and would wear her t-shirt with our
church logo on it every time I saw her. After getting to know Angela better,
our family began inviting Angela over twice a month for breakfast at our house
and to see Grace. It was a little awkward at first, but the kids always made
her feel at home, calling her “Mama Angela” and giving her hugs.
Angela
was off and on in her relationship with Grace’s father. He had shown up to
court only one time. His rights were
terminated early on in the case because of this. That was a blessing, since he
had been abusive towards Angela many times in the past. Despite the fact that
Angela could barely take care of herself, CPS was hopeful that if she got her
medications straightened out, she could get Grace back. Over the next six
months, though, it became evident that this would not be an option. She moved
from her apartment to an assisted living facility. Her medications had made it
so hard to function that she had begun having hallucinations again and was
often suicidal.
The
assisted living facility was close to our home, so we would go visit and pick
her up for church or for a visit at our house. My husband and I picked her up
for one of our court hearings in July. At this point, Grace had been in state
custody for about nine months. Before we got out of the car, we said a prayer
out loud, and asked God that whatever decision was made would be in the best
interest of Grace. As we walked in, Angela was very somber. Our caseworker
handed us each a copy of the court report and we read through it. I could
barely hold back the tears when I reached the point in the report where it stated
that, “Angela reports that Grace’s foster mom is her only friend.” Shortly thereafter, our case was called. Our
two minutes in front of the judge went something like this
Judge:
Ms. Smith, I have in front of me a piece of paper that states that you are
relinquishing your parental rights to Grace. Is that correct?
Angela:
Yes, sir.
Judge:
Ms. Smith, do you understand that by giving up your parental rights you have no
say in medical decisions, where she goes to school, or anything else in the
future?
Angela:
Yes, sir.
Judge:
Ms. Smith, did anyone threaten, coerce, or bribe you to sign this document?
Angela:
No, sir.
Judge:
Ms. Smith, do you believe that this decision is in the best interest of Grace?
Angela:
Yes, sir.
Judge: By
order of the court on July 11, 2011, parental rights of Grace Smith are
terminated. We are off record now. Ms. Smith, I can tell that this
decision did not come easy to you. I wish you the best of luck in life.
There was
no doubt that was the hardest moment of Angela’s life and one I will never forget. Saying goodbye that day
was so hard and uncomfortable. How do you react when the mother of your foster
daughter just relinquished her rights so that you could adopt her? I hugged her
and told her that I respected her so much for her decision and that she was now
a part of our family too. I told Angela that I wanted her over for holidays and
as many visits as we were capable of making. We invited her over for breakfast
that following Sunday to reassure her that we were serious about keeping her
involved in Grace’s life.
When I
picked Angela up for breakfast that Sunday, she came loaded down with toys that
she had bought at the thrift store for all six of our children. It was such a
generous and thoughtful thing to do with her very limited income. The kids were
so excited and showered her with kisses of gratitude. We had a huge breakfast
of biscuits and gravy and lots of bacon, Angela’s favorite.
Before
she left, I had her record her voice on one of those Hallmark books for Grace, so
that Grace could hear her birth mother’s voice whenever she wanted to. Angela
was very touched by that. We were moving that next week, so I let her know that
it might be a few weeks before we saw her again, but we would bring her out to
the new house soon.
When I
dropped her off at the nursing home, the passenger door would not open for some
reason, so I had to get out and let her out. I am so glad that happened,
because it allowed me to give Angela the last hug I would ever give her. I
looked into her tear-filled eyes for what would be the last time and said, “I
love you.”
Three
days after we moved into our new house, I got the phone call I had been
dreading. My husband called and said, “Is your mom there? Go somewhere by
yourself. I need to tell you something.” I went outside and stood on the porch.
He continued, “Angela shot herself.” “What?!” I shrieked, over and over again.
“What?! No! No! Why would she do that?!” Sobbing, I screamed, “She’s supposed
to come over next week. We had it planned, she was supposed to come over! Why
would she do that?” Logically, I knew why, and I knew it was likely to happen.
But you are never, ever prepared for that phone call.
I wept
all day long. I wept for the way Angela’s life ended. I wept for Grace and that
she would never have a memory of her birth mom. I wept for not calling or
visiting her more often. I just kept saying over and over again, “I’m so sorry,
Angela. I’m so sorry.”
The
funeral was the next day at the nursing home. Other than residents, it was my husband
and I, two of my dear friends, and our caseworker. My husband shared a little
bit about our family involvement with Angela, what a good woman she was, and
that she would be terribly missed. At the end of the service, we fittingly sang
“Amazing Grace.”
The woman
who ran the nursing home brought us letters that Angela had left for us. I
never thought I would be a recipient of a suicide note. This is a portion of
the one she left for Grace:
“To my daughter,
I will always love you. Mommy had to go. Your new
mother will take good care of you. She will feed you when you need to eat,
change your diapers and tuck you in at night. When you remember her, please
remember me. I'm sorry I had to go. I couldn't deal with the pain anymore.
Whenever you're alone, I'm there with you.
Love, Mommy”
 |
| Click HERE to buy. |
When we
became foster parents, I had no intention of getting close to the birth
parents. They were the “enemy” in my mind. This experience has changed the way
I view all of them. They are hurting people who need love just as much as these
children do. Many of them were victims of the foster care system
themselves. Angela was a beautiful
person who loved her daughter very much. You may never know what a person has
been through or is going through, so extend them the same grace that the Lord
Jesus has given us, and love them with everything you can while they are with
you. You just might be their only friend.
The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you
did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for
me.’ Matthew 25:40
