I Surrender

2 days ago, Judah woke up from a nap vomiting over and over again - much different from spitting up. To see a tiny baby dry heave because there's nothing left in his tummy is hard to watch. His fontanel has widened, due to his head swelling. His head is measuring at 17 inches, when a week ago, it was 16 1/4. Once we figured that out, it became clear that the vomiting and extreme lethargy is from the pressure increasing in his head.

The widening and recession began days before the vomiting started, so I know that it is all not from dehydration. Over the past 48 hours, he has kept down only an ounce of formula. He either will not take it, or throws it up about a half hour later. We have had our children say goodbye, his birth parents have been out. Seth and I have cried alligator tears. And we wait. How long could this go on? How many times will we say goodbye? My heart can hardly take this suspense. I feel like I can't breathe today. I don't know if it's from a hopeful expectation of healing and recovery or from being so low and anticipating the days ahead. My oldest child's 10th birthday is Friday and he asked over and over again, that Judah please not die on his birthday. Pray that the Lord will grant his request.

I got on my knees this morning and prayed for mercy for Judah. I prayed for quick healing or quick passing, whatever His will is. Ultimately, I prayed for His glory. May He be glorified in Judah's life and his death, however that may come. I asked that He give me strength to endure the endless rollercoaster of emotions and the confident trust that everything is in HIS control. May I find rest in His sovereignty. He reminded me to look back to the beginning and how Judah came to be a part of our family. "Trust ME," He said. "I've got this. Give him to Me. Give Me the healing, the death, the funeral, your other children, all of it. Just surrender." I am laying Judah down at the cross, at Jesus' feet, and stepping back. Do Your thing Jesus. He's all Yours.

The Lord gave me this scripture this morning that I have been meditating on today. It's perfect. Please keep our family and Judah's birth family in your prayers.

"Therefore, my beloved brothers and sisters, be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the work of the Lord, always doing your best and doing more than is needed, being continually aware that your labor, even to the point of exhaustion, in the Lord is not futile nor wasted, it is never without purpose." 1 Corinthians 15:58

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