I Choose Life.

I have to share what I believe God is showing me right now. To preface this - I have been praying for daily revelations from the Lord during this journey with Judah - snippets of His will and plan that can help me walk through this with greater joy and knowledge to share with others about His love.

About 10 days ago, I cancelled hospice. It had been weighing on me for a couple months due to it causing extra stress. I LOVE this hospice and if I had a loved one dying who was not a child, I would use them and recommend them with no hesitation. They unfortunately have no experience with pediatric hospice and it caused a lot of miscommunication. I am so thankful to have developed a good relationship with our pediatrician and he has allowed me to contact him directly about needs from here on out. After cancelling our service with them, we proceeded to find out what we would need to do if Judah passed at home and wasn't on hospice. We figured all of that out and have great peace about that if it happens.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had just fed Judah and was talking to him and looking in his sweet eyes and he would not break my gaze - he's supposed to be blind, but I felt like he was looking right at me. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. Just like my revelation from the Lord a couple weeks ago about this journey being solely about Him and His glory - I had this immediate perspective shift -


Focus on his life,
not his death.
 
We went into this adoption knowing that we were bringing a child home to die, but what if that's NOT God's plan? Maybe the Lord wanted me to cancel hospice because HE didn't want Judah on it anymore because He wants me to focus on Judah's life instead of his death. I have been hyper focused on his dying instead of his living, probably because his death is predictable and I can plan for that. Judah's life though - the uncertainty and the trials that will come from caring for a severely disabled child - only God knows all that will entail. THAT sounds more difficult and closer to the heart of Christ. I am excited and terrified that this might be His plan. I choose life. I choose not to mourn him before he's gone. Draw us closer Lord. We trust You.
 
"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him- that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him- perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed into His likeness even to His death." Phil. 3:10

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