Endurance

This morning started out fine. Judah's rash looked better and he took his whole bottle quickly and even seemed to want more. I got up to go make him another 2 ounces and everything he ate came right back up, mixed with mucous, so he began choking and gasping for breath. I got him calmed down and laid him on his side so I could change and clean him up. He began choking and throwing up again, this time through his nose. I'm screaming for help from the kids because Seth is gone and I panic during stressful situations, I'm definitely not the calm one in a crisis. I get him cleaned up and repeat this process 2-3 more times. Finally I get him dressed and up in his bed on his stomach just in case it happens again. And I just collapse - physically, emotionally - I feel so defeated and paralyzed. One step forward, 10 steps back. Satan takes hold and continues to bombard me with every insecurity I struggle with and I just let them all run through my mind as I lock my door and try and ignore everything going on in the rest of the house. "What's the point of all this? You can't help him, no matter how hard you try. You can't meet his needs. God is not being glorified through this - you can't even leave the house."

Finally, I stop and remember that I have to take these thoughts captive, but with what? I try and remember the scripture I shared on Facebook this morning... what was it? Oh yes - "If we endure with Him, we will also reign with Him." 2 Tim. 2:12  The tears fall as I repeat it over and over.

Endurance is the hardest part. I learned that with childbirth. I learned that in foster care, when our case took 3 years to close. You want an escape from the pain and exhaustion, but there is none - not one with the outcome you want anyway. You can't physically, emotionally, mentally take anymore, but you have to. Thank God for His faithfulness and grace, even when I am faithless.

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful,

true to His word and His righteous character,

for He cannot deny Himself." 2 Tim. 2:13
  
"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5
 
 

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