I know that I have been a hardcore foster care advocate for over two years now, but it appears that I am too selfish and prideful to follow through. Sure, I've given it a really good try and have loved these children like my own for 20 months, but they're just not worth the invasion of privacy, the unknowns about the future and the continued persecution we have faced from other parties involved. The court dates that we anxiously await for 90 days consistently end with the beginning of another 90 days of waiting. Having to ask for permission, only to receive a curt reply, to spend my money and time to go get their haircut has pushed me over the edge. So, I've just decided to send them off with someone or somewhere else. I don't know if they'll be safe. I'm sure they'll be traumatized and wonder where "mama" is. But, at least I won't have to have caseworkers at my house all the time or be annoyed with the lack of response to my daily emails about my concerns. Me being comfortable is what matters. I am more important. I shouldn't have to answer to everyone about how I parent. I am a good parent!! I have done more than a whole lot of other people who won't even try! Isn't that enough???
Crappy Foster Mama
In response to myself, this is what I have to say.
Dear Crappy Foster Mama,
I know you're frustrated. It's hard and it sucks right now, but we both know that these children mean the world to you. You would walk through hell for them and you'd do it over and over again for as long as it takes as long as they are safe. Can you imagine your days without their smiles, hugs and kisses? Can you imagine the regret you would live with if you were the one that gave that up? Look how far they've all come since they came to live with you. They are happy, healthy and thriving. You've done a good job. You've made mistakes with them, their birth parents and DHS, but you are human! You are not perfect. You have sought Jesus throughout this whole process and you are more like HIM now. Every trial, every unexpected turn, He is using for your good and His glory. You have to trust in that. Satan wants to steal your joy. I know that sometimes it seems as though he is the CEO of DHS, but God is sovereign over every little thing. His plan cannot be thwarted. Please don't give up. These babies are worth every ounce of frustration. There are great things ahead.
Aspiring Foster Mama